So, I’ve been thinking loads about sacrifice lately. Lent is upon us and I’m one of those technically-lapsed Catholics that still tries to give something up every year out of habit and forced virtue. I usually forget about it until I see the people cattin’ around town with their cute ashed foreheads and then I’ll try to scamper over to the little church and get smudged if I didn’t already miss it all together. (I know…such commitment!) This year I remembered, but let’s be honest: I’m a selfish sacrificer. You know what I mean, internet. You’re probably one, too. We deign to give up something that enhances our lives versus something that is a hardship to go without. People give up the things that make them happy or happier, right? Like sugar. Or hookers. Usually I give something up that our boy JC would straight roll his eyes at all, “Okay, dude. Thanks for giving up Gilmore girls reruns and crunchy* peanut butter for 40 days. Yup. Totally like the desert. How is it possible you’ve not been nominated for sainthood yet**?”
|Cute new bike rack on 2nd Street makes me happy!|
What are you supposed to give up? Is it supposed to make your life miserable and hard for 40 days? Like electricity? All food, like some whack hunger strike? Human contact? I’ve gotten so used to folks giving up things that are important to them, but not necessarily to their livelihood: caffeine, soda, cheese. I do it, too, but am pretty sure that’s not what it’s supposed to be.
This year I also got sucked in to doing something in tandem with the gym because my favorite instructor is bossy and mean and yelled at us to give up four food items*** because that’s what the neighborhood is doing. Want to know my four items? Too bad…I’m telling you anyway!
1. Thin Mints
Here’s the thing…I can avoid those adorable she-devils on 2nd Street, at the supermarket, out and about in general. I will look them straight in their quota-chasing eye and say “No thanks!” without hesitation. They don’t scare me. It’s when the sweet neighbors come knockin’ on Auntie bacibug’s door with their spiel and their rigmarole that I can’t decline. Hustlers! So I have 58349234 boxes to add to my freezer with the 57920373 boxes that are still in there from last year. But I will not eat them! Look at me…I’m practically Joan of Arc around here!
I like the carbs!
3. White bread
Despite loving it, I don’t eat a ton of this anyway but have noticed being more lax lately so I thought it would be a good one.
Okay, really? As if I’m scampering around town drinking straight cream like a rich cat on a bender. I don’t. I rarely use cream. I think I made a dessert for someone else last week that called for a splash of cream and I decided that I needed to add this to my list because…well, I don’t know because why, but I’m not using it for 40 days, okay?
Virtuous, right? As my 88 year old Auntie Micki would say if she thinks you're being braggy, “Well, pin a rose on your nose!” I mean, how can I face each day without these staples of life? I’m totally ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is that I lasted approximately 24 hours before I broke one of them. I’m back on the wagon now, but I started this whole regime Wednesday and by 8am Thursday morning ate a croissant. A delicious, apricot marmalade filled croissant. Toasted and warmed. Ooopsieboom, Jesus! It's technically white bread, right? Maybe not, but I’m counting it as a FAIL.
*Which means my ass will still eat the creamy PB, but find this a sacrifice nonetheless because crunchy is MY FAVORITE, you guys. What?! I need my protein!
**WOW! Jesus sure is sarcastic! Rude.
***My non-food item sacrifice, unrelated to my gym list, is: people who are assholes. Just FYI. PS: I'll miss you!
****Not the band. Though I don’t listen to them anyway. This isn’t 1979, internet! Dang.